He was born a real boy. Normal. Healthy. Intelligent. Bobby Spitowsky was his name.

And as he grew, he developed an affinity for coffee. Nothing extreme .. at first. Just a bit of morning pick-me-up.

But then it became .. a "thing" with him. It went from 1 cup a day, to 2, to 3 .. to 47 cups .. every morning! Then there was the afternoon ..

He bought a coffee machine for his home. But that wasn't enough! So he invented what no man had ever invented .. a coffee-iv (intravenous) machine. Yeah! "Now we're cookin' with oil!" he said. Well .. cause that's what the thing ran on - crude oil. (But I digress.)

Eventually (like 7 months after he began his caffeine habit), he started working for the local Caffeine Factory, which just happened to produce the world's purest caffeine. "I just want a job," he said. "The caffeine thing .. pure coincidence," he told his friends, er .. friend.

But then that fateful day hit .. like a lightning bolt from heaven .. and everything changed. Well .. because of the thunderstorm that night, everything changed. And here's how most people tell it:

Bobby was simply doing his job .. which was to stir the daily Pure Caffeine batch. He actually volunterred for the job, truth be told. Though no one else would even consider the job. "Too dangerous," they would say. "You work too closely to the .. toxic stuff," they repeatedly said. Everyone knew it .. except for that Spitowsky kid. He didn't seem to have a clue. Or maybe he did, and didn't care. But anyway ..

He was stirring the pot that night, when he decided (apparently it was a routine thing for him) to .. well .. how to say this delicately .. go for a swim. Yeah. In the Big Vat. Why? (Did you not hear me earlier?! 47 cups of coffee .. before noon! .. which was 3 months ago! .. a habit which continued to, well, escalate, shall we say.)

When the double bolt of lightning struck both the Caffeine Factory and the neighboring Bowling Ball Factory all at once, causing a production batch of 8,495 bowling balls melt almost instantaneously into a molten flow of black lava goo, coagulating with the 18,000 gallons of pure caffeine, along with little Bobby, it was both sure death for any mortal man living out his personal milieu, and a night to remember for the neighboring community. For everyone within 8.8 miles of the epicenter developed testicular and left ear cancer. Yeah, a weird combination, I know. But facts are facts. And those are the hard core facts. (Scout's honor.)

So how in the heee...ck did little Bobby Spitowsky survive this one? No cancer whatsoever?! How?!

The consensus among the doctors (the alcohol poison control specialists) was this: Even though a man will enter a coma at about a 0.35-40% blood-alcohol level, Bobby's blood-caffiene was approaching 98.6% that night. And that exact amount, equivalent to one's normal body temperature, plus the waxen bowling balls, plus the God-given lightning strike, caused a coagulation, fungulation and a muckamalgamation (yes, that's a real technical term, boys and girls) of Bobby's deoxyribonucleic acid (that's "DNA" for the uninitiated), which of course .. saved his Life!

But now. It's .. well .. unclear. Of who, or what, he now is. He's rather .. different. He's like alive, and dead, at the same time. Part man, part .. something .. else. Like a thing fallen down, but unable to get back up. Yet, with a new kind of zeal and zest for "life".

Thereafter, he took on a new name (well, everyone started to call him this): Caffie!

A curious on-looker then took it upon herself to document Caffie's every word and move thereafter. And that ... is why we have a place and video series called: Caffie's World!